I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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