he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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