I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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