shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
