He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize