I will die if light touches me.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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