the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I just forgot I was standing up.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
