I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
You're like the curious george of whores
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
