There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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