Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
