turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Randomize
