So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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