I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
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