I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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