Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
