She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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