I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Randomize
