I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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