I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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