Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
