You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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