there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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