is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
