Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
