I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
