I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
