he confused my yawn for an orgasm
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
