im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Your cock deserves a montage
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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