Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
