I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
