i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
