after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
