I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I need a burrito and a hug.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
