my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
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