Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
