So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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