Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
