I faked an abortion last night.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize