I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
