We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
