dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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