her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
