someone threw a dead crab at me
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
