My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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