Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
