We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Randomize
