I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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