Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
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I need you to use more vowels.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
