By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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