i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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