He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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