you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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