What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
