I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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