Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Even my vagina gasped.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
