Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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