im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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