I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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