It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
