So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I need to align my fucking chakras
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
