apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
is wine microwaveable?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
